| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
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May 14, 2003 I’ve been having conversations with God, I just can’t decide if I love him or hate him. Actually I can’t decide on a lot of things. I love him or rather try to love him because I’d like to think that he’s going to make it better because he’s the creator and he cant possibly hate what he himself has created and if I pray or try to be good I’ll make him happy and I can have the one thing that I want the most. Sometimes I think whatever bad happens is a direct result of something bad that I HAVE done. And then when things become insufferable I wear my old convictions like a comfort blanket that he’s just the man sitting upstairs, pulling our strings on a Hi-Fi video game, he doesn’t love or hate, its all just a game for his sick twisted enjoyment. I don’t know? Its just all a massive ball of confusion, continuous questions and desperately searching for answers. I wonder why some people have it all while others are miserable? Or maybe the ones we think ‘have it all’ are also victims of the same confusion. WHY! WHY! WHY! Does he put people through pain and suffering? HOW can he stand to see something HE created in a state of despair, on its knees begging for mercy because it’s too much, fucking unbearable. I think of a mother and how she loves her child and no matter what he does, she forgives him and comforts him, people say God loves you 1000 times more than a mother can love you, so how come he puts you into these situations where everything just seems hopeless and you wish you could press the forward button, just to see if everything will ever be okay? (10:14 PM) ~`~
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