| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
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November 12, 2003 I am a captive in my own body. When I look at it, I see it as an enemy, a source of discomfort, pain and embarrassment. It’s always holding me back from contentment and happiness. I want to dominate, control, paint, pierce, abuse and poison it. It’s like living with a stranger you’re always thinking about and dream about changing or exchanging it. This stranger I wouldn’t be able to recognize or pick out if I saw it standing in a line of other bodies because the mental picture is so distorted from the actual one. A hate-hate relationship. A battle between idealism and the actual self. Failure to control other aspects of my life resulting in controlling its needs, appetite and nature. Mental and emotional anguish converted into self neglect and loathing. This is the place where I live and will die and altering it seems to be coded somewhere deep inside my genes. I'm sure it’s like that for most of us or at least I hope it’s like that so I don’t feel like a total neurotic. Wouldn’t all of us jump at the opportunity to change or modify it in some way? Maybe it all boils down to our judgmental nature? Psychological surveys state that we make decisions about the attractiveness of people within 150 milliseconds and that opinion hardly ever alters after longer examinations. It’s so sad and pathetic! To be called the most intelligent species and still be so superficial and shallow. Superficial appraisals according to a recent survey proved that beautiful people not only find partners quickly but get better jobs and leniency in COURTS? How far away is the world depicted in the movie Gattaca? A planet of genetically modified ‘perfect’ people. Is that how earth will be after a couple of years? A walking talking real life cover of Cosmo and GQ? Survival of the prettiest? I still want to believe in ‘beauty lies inside the person not outside’ and that’s what counts. These people deserve to be successful and happy but is that just a consolation for myself knowing that I'm no Elizabeth Hurley? (10:44 PM) ~`~
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