| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
|
December 29, 2003 I had a dream about you. The place looked familiar and our eyes met many times but I looked away pretending you were a stranger wanting to hurt you with my ignorance. I knew you would never make the first move and this time neither would I…you see I am still nursing an injured pride. It must have humiliated your ego but you approached me…asked how I was. Conscious of my emotions threatening to break out I replied I was perfect. There was expected, forced, polite small talk and I was already planning my escape. ‘Before you say anything…I just want to clear something’ Sneaky move…you caught me off-guard…you know I would hate to go down that ugly memory lane. I prayed my silence would indicate reluctance but you went on ‘It wasn’t your fault…I’m really sorry for whatever happened…I know I hurt you…can you forgive me?’ This must be a bad joke…sorry is the most useless word in the dictionary. Are you sorry for making me feel like a delusional, dysfunctional jackass for the longest time? Or for the paranoias I face in relationships? Or for my distrust, phases of low-self-esteem and all the things I hate about myself. You left too many questions unanswered I’m still trying to solve. You made me feel stupid for letting my guard down. You made me build so many thick, complicated, programmed walls and I deliberately destroyed the codes foreseeing moments of weakness. But…I’m glad I had that silent conversation in my head and with a wave of hand I nonchalantly dismissed that I ever gave it a second thought or it ever bothered me. I lit my cigarette slowly, with exaggerated politeness, I asked if it bothered him and steered the conversation back to courteous mode. I asked what he was doing here…in my city. He charged into a long story of where he had been and what he was doing. Before long it was my turn, I supplied an edited version of my story while he was busy cleaning up the room with a purpose. ‘I’m with someone now…’ I waited to see a change in reaction and he was emotionless, poker-faced, unaffected…he hadn’t changed at all. Something was wrong besides the fact that we were meeting after almost 4 years…Déjà vu! I had to leave before he could derive any pleasure from making me feel unwanted. As long as he was busy, I knew my exit would go unnoticed. Echoes of this conversation…the irony of it all raced through my mind and I wished it had happened in real life…so it could be an end to a chapter, tombstone on an unmarked grave, ripping the band-aid swiftly off your healed skin. I made my way out onto a street that looked familiar. I just had to get past the intersection to go home and I felt his eyes on my back. The road split into many unfamiliar sections, I felt disoriented, people screamed…I was lost…I saw home but no road leading to the doorstep. I Dont Want To Be Your Friend I don't wanna see your face I don't wanna hear your name I don't wanna thing Just stay away baby Don't wanna know if you're alright Or what you're doin' with your life Don't wanna hear that you'll stay in touch maybe I'll get just fine So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye Don't call me in the middle of the night no more Don't expect me to be there Don't think that it will be the way it was before I'm not over you yet And I don't think I care And I don't want to be your friend I'll forget we ever met I'll forget I ever let Ever let you into this heart of mine baby You just gotta let me be You gotta keep away from me Cause all I want to be is just free of you baby Don't you come around And say you still care about me Go now, go now Don't call me in the middle of the night... Don't call me in the middle of the night no more Don't expect me to be there Don't think that it will be the way it was before No, no baby Don't call me in the middle of the night no more I don't want to be your friend Don't think that it will be the way it was before I don't want to be your friend... Cyndi Lauper (8:10 PM) ~`~
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
|||||
