| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
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December 11, 2003 I refuse to ask for help and reject the idea that anyone or anything can make me feel better. I over estimate my ability to cope with depression and under estimate others trying to figure my weird behavior. Self-defense mechanism I guess…too scared of needing someone, depending on them, running to them with the slightest problem or just plain bitching about life. Holding back maybe because I cannot fathom why anyone should bother, or scared of sounding needy, obsessive and weak. I'm trying to be my own super hero… sorting it out, figure what’s wrong and why I feel this way but I'm interrupted many times asking why I seem different and that’s when I pretend nothing is wrong and I'm PERFECT. I act out the part well and fool myself into believing that I am okay but by now it’s getting lonely – very lonely. I hate being lonely and I'm scared of feeling this way because it just pushes me further in my shell and I feel like a programmed robot going through life with no emotions and passion. Then comes the phase when I start to miss and remember all my favorite memories and they are glorified a million times. Distorted to the extent that the past has really become a myth that happened to someone else and that makes me even sadder. Maybe I just want to be this way willingly. Maybe I want some to miraculously read my mind pin point everything that I'm feeling and MAKE me talk and LISTEN till I've poured everything out, cried it out of my system and then take my I’ll-fix-it-myself-super-hero outfit…charge out and save my world. (3:49 AM) ~`~
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