| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
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February 03, 2004 (Part 2) WARNING: Neurotic realises how neurotic she actually is! Why is it hard to figure yourself out? Why are you the way you are? Why can’t you change the way you are if it bothers you so much? I'm so irritated that emotionally I am standing where I have always been…or worse…in some dark corner where loneliness, depression and self-loathing are welcomed like victorious soldiers coming back home. When I'm happy Im always looking over my shoulder to check if melancholy hasn’t left my side…secretly preparing myself for that ‘down’ that follows the ‘up’. I know I can handle emotions as long as they are not mine. I'm strong and supportive as long as I'm not the one needing strength. I'm convinced that I can make the saddest situation humorous but exhibit the copyrighted this-is-so-funny-lets-forget-the-bad-stuff look. I desperately want to break this role I’ve cut out for myself in my own bloody LIFE! Is it just a collection of issues left unresolved that come charging back when life turns a little bit gloomy? Is it because I hate myself so much that I have not discovered how to love myself and believe that others can too? Do I believe that my existence is so negligible that there is no point in being your true self? Do I believe that my problems are only a figment of my imagination and silly to be solved? I think I'm too confident that I can make myself feel better, scared of shattering the image that people can help me given the chance and thus realizing that I am truly neurotic and petrified of not having any other alternative except a life long membership to a therapist. (4:49 AM) ~`~
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