| Diary of a Neurotic | ||||||
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October 04, 2004 This week the sandman broke up with me and I was left with long nights of lying on my bed staring at my purple walls and counting the cars passing outside my window. He never explained why or what made him leave but his absence made me more irritable and crankier than usual. You never know what you’ve got until it’s lost and like most things I took his nightly visits for granted. Speaking of taking things for granted I owe someone an apology. So here goes: We were looking forward to Saturday night since the billboards of the play ‘Phantom of the Opera’ decorated all the important parts of the city and you achieved the impossible feat of finding the tickets that were completely sold out. The night before the much looked forward to evening...it rained…and it rained as if the Gods were bent on spoiling our happiness. The clothes I had carefully picked and washed myself lay drenched in the rain; the power went out and a bitter, angry, sour girl stood hand in hand with the after effects of insomnia. I went to the play wearing second choice clothes and impossibly curly hair (thanks to the power failure). When I got there I saw beautiful, perfect, flawless beauties. You couldn’t have guessed that the city had seen one of the worst weather and power faliure. They obviously came from the planet where everything is perfect and the Gods take their time to make sure things always go THEIR way. Every time I looked around I wanted to go on a killing spree, cut off their faces and wear them as masks and start a collection of long- straight haired wigs. I felt small…really small, vain, stupid and envious. I glanced at you many times longing to whisper in your ear how much I hated these sluts strutting their stuff up and down the aisles of the auditorium but the words and thoughts just couldn’t form on my tongue. I knew under non-sleep related circumstances this wouldn’t have bothered me but the more I wanted to ignore it and get on with the evening we WANTED to be perfect the more it got on my nerves until I had transformed into this monster that even I couldn’t bear to be with…let alone imagine some else putting up with. When I saw you looking amazingly gorgeous I wished that you were with some else…anyone better than me…who would enjoy this evening with you like a normal person. I’m sorry I felt bad that you were stuck with an immature, so-called adult and I wanted you to get away from me because you deserve better. I’m sorry I spoilt the night. I’m sorry that I promise myself that life is too short to get worked up over small things and I break it five minutes later. I’m sorry that I say to myself that this is the last time I put him through my crazy mood swings because I later realize how dumb that was and yet it happens again and again. But even a bad experience if not learned from is a complete waste and I wanted to say thank you for bearing with the worst day of my life which in retrospect does not seem bad at all. Thank you for taking me to the best play ever and enjoying all the things I’m crazy about. Thank you for being the person who’ll share all my joys, excitement, mood swings and all the things that make me. I know I don’t appreciate you as much as I should and after these storms are over I always wonder how long or far will you go to put up with this? Will this tire you out because frankly I’m getting sick of it. Can you love a less than perfect person indefinitely? And as the possible results get scarier my belief that you love me despite my madness becomes stronger. I love you for loving me tirelessly. P.S. Let me know if my apology is accepted! (1:42 AM) ~`~ |
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